Wallingford Presbyterian Church
December 24, 2006
MIDNIGHT CLEAR
A Play By Mark Wilt
Cast
Mark Wilt...Dillard
Barb Wilt....Helga/Roe
LIGHTS UP. DILLARD enters carrying Christmas tree and box full of decorations, ornaments, etc. He loosens up his shoulders and fingers. Finally he holds his hand up and points to the back of the auditorium.
Dillard
Joey... Joey! You taking another smoke break? Where are ya? We're starting at section 4a. Got that? Section 4... sub-head a. Okay? Thank you. (To Himself) Better loosen up. Silence in the studio, please!
(More hand shaking and shoulder rolls. DILLARD starts to play an imaginary keyboard. Ot's the intro to a bluesy arrangment of "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear". When DILLARD reaches the point to start singing, he abruptly stops playing.)
Stop. Stop taping Joey. No, no... Stop. That's IT. What is the first line? Of the lyric of the song I am singing... "It"! Joey, that's the first word of the lyric.. What's the first line of the lyric? "It" "Came" "Upon"... keep going... "A Midnight Clear". (Reacts loudy. Looks at "Davey") Can you believe that? I've known that song since I was two years old one year old. I was a prodigy... "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear". "It Came Upon A MIDNIGHT Clear" (softly) It Came UPON A Midnight Clear."
(DILLARD squares up to play his imaginary keybosrd. He points to Joey to begin taping.)
(Soulful, bluesy)
It came upon a midnight clear,
That glooooooo-rious song of old,
From angels bending near the earth,
To touch their harps of gold...
(DILLARD "plays" a piano figure. Again, he halts abruptly. DILLARD waves vigorously at "Joey")
Stop stop stop! It's awful! Who do I think I am? (Repeats piano figure. To "Davey") There's no soul. I ain't got no soul!
(To "Joey") Joey, where ya going? Another cigarette already? Wait, Joey! I want you to meet my son Davey. Davey, Joey. Davey is up for the holidays. (Listens to "Joey") Where is he up from? The basement mostly.
(Waits for "Joey" to leave)
Davey, you know who that is? Joey Mueller -- the record producer -- Rolling Stones. Uh huh. The Kinks. Jan-is Jop-lin, yeah. They were married... for a WEEK. He said the first two or three hours were great, the rest a total disaster. He fell out of an airplane, way up there -- 1980, I believe.
Joey showed up a couple days ago collecting for the paper drive. I tell him I'm about to cut my Christmas CD. "Far out," he said, "I got my equipment down the street, man." "Bring it in, put it right up there (Points to balcony)!
So iwhat's the time -- 11:00 o'clock, Christmas Eve; Christmas starts in one hour. I got six words in the can -- "It came upon a midnight clear." To get this done, I need divine intervention and lots of it.
(Noise within)
(To "Davey")
Your mom will be out here in a minute (Listen to "Davey's" reply) She's wrapping up some presents for your cousins and her wonderful sister and her brilliant cultured parents. How can I judge? I haven't been out of the house how long has it been...? When exactly did you die, Davey? Seven years, 3 months, 22 days ago, right. So I've been stuck here for seven years, 3 months, and 18 days: (Pause) Because I went to your funeral..
Here she comes. Now if she sits on you again, do not SCREAM! It took me half an hour to explain it away the last ttime..
(Helga enters carrying packages to take to church)
Helga
(Pointing to invisible fourth wall) Talking to the wall again?
Dilliard
What we got here? (Shakes a package) Jigsaw puzzle of... let me guess...(Shakes box again) Sistene Chapel!
Helga
Statue of Liberty! These are Toys for Christmas Families...
Dilliard
We're a Christmas family. Give us presents -- you knock yourself out every day and I am an eccentric recluse Remember when you brought people here to cheer me up? Your fellow teachers, your jazz appreciation group, the community singers, and finally the church types. They took up the entire house, I had to flee to the roof. Stayed there two days until they ate all the food and left. You knew I was on the roof, didn't you?
Helga
I cherished every instant of your suffering.
Dillard
You never let me down. You are a rare person. A Christian sadist.
Helga
You're talking too much, Dillard. (Puts presents under trees) Are you going?
Dillard
Am I going?
Helga
Never mind.
Dillard
Oh, another Passive-Aggressive Christmas!
Helga
I really --
Dilliard
So where should I go!
Helga
Should go?
Dillard
Should go!
Helga
Should go? Where should you go? I should tell you where you should go?
Dillard
Should you need to tell me where I should go? Shouldn't I already know where I should go?
Helga
You should go wherever you want..
Dillard
Let me guess. You want to know if I am going to that midnight thing. What do you call it?
Helga
Church.
Dillard
Church? If it were only that easy. No, no, you call it something else.
Helga
Christmas Eve Midnight Candlelight Service!.
Dillard
No. I do not want to go to that. It is so wrong in so many ways. First, I would have to leave the house.
Helga
Yes, you would.
Dillard
But Davey hasn't been raised from the dead yet.
Helga
I don't understand. They are your friends. You have everything in common.
Dillard
No, they all like to go places; I like to stay home. What bothers me more than leaving the house is thr candlelight service. It's dangerous.
Helga
Oh, please!
Dillard
People and fire don't mix Whoever discovered fire shoulda warned people. These candlelight services, everyone jammed so tight, waving their little candles. Candles wearing paper skirts they look like ballerinas -- it's emasculating.. And lighting the darn things... you're supposed to light one candle off another. Like that poster says, you know, how to light an unlit candle? Hold the "hot" candle straight up, Tilt the "cold" candle over the "hot" candle so the wick touches the flame. But who follows instructions? They tilt the "hot" over the "cold" and the "hot" candle is tilted and dripping waz it's all screwed up. How many people are burned on the most wonderful night of the year?. Candlelight service injuries are up 22% from a decade ago. People get wax over their clothes. Dry cleaning bills are up 46%! It's a national disgrace. Last candlelight service I went to, I almost set a girl on fire.
Helga
No! Who?
Dillard
Who? I don't know! I don't keep track of them. She sat directly in front of me. She had long, beautiful hair -- red mostly. It was plush, like upholstery! Her hair looked so good, I wanted to eat it (Starts decorating Christmas Tree). We were just inches apart. Her hair almost brushed against my flame. I pulled my hand away just in time.
Now I shaking and sweating and suddenly, UNBELIEVABLY, my hand with the candle shot toward the girl's hair! What kind of MONSTER, what DEMON possessed me? I yanked my hand back and started to beat it-- "STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!!"
Helga
Freida Kranz. It was her hair you wanted to eat. Davey liked her, I think.
Dillard
So when... when are you going?
Helga.
Are you trying to get rid of me?
Dillard
No, of course not.
Helga
You want to help me carry this stuff to the car? Never mind.
(HELGA exits with presents)
Dillard
(To Davey) What do you think? Does she sound happy to you? What if I told her about your visits? (Listens then guffaws) You think she knows? No, she doesn't!
Still trying to play Mom and me off each other?
Cat got your tongue?
You were 24 years old when you died and you were living here with your Mom and Dad then, no job, no friends, no vices, even... Nothing. I fully expected you to live here until WE DIED but we're alive and you're dead and you're still here. I'm sorry, but are you going to move out and haunt some other house I can suggest one or two or are you going to ride up to heaven in a Pink Cadilac like a good kid and live forever on your own two feet?
(ROE ENTERS singing bluesy a cappella "Mercedes Benz").
Oh, a visitor! Why, it's tonight's hallucination! (ROE stops singing) Oh, I just love the musical delusions. That's a terrible song to sing on Christmas.
Roe
How so?
Dillard
God isn't Santa Claus.
Roe
You don't know who God is. You're still alive. To understand God, you got to be dead. For instance, do you know what I am? Look at me!
Dillard
You look confused.
Roe
I'm called a Composite. Not Composite Angel. Did you hear me call myself a Composite Angel? That is something entirely different. I am TB or Three B.or Tri-Souls. For example, Feet of a Platypus, Body of an Ostrich, Head of one of those Freaky Lizards. We live inside the pages of the Old Testament and in the hallucinations of some very special people.
Dillard
(Blurts out) You got three souls, I ain't got no soul.
Roe
You do got a teeny tiny little one. We call it a nub. We'll deal with that a little later. Let me introduce my Three Bad Selves (Cackles): Starting at the bottom, close to the ground (Alternately holds up feet) Can you see? (DILLARD tries to move closer) Whoa, don't get any closer or you'll totally fry. I cannot reverse a total fry. Look particularly at the hideous robe, the knee high stockings rolled around the ankles and the ratty house slippers.
Dillard
Grandma!
Roe
Yes, Dillard, it is your Grandma Davidson from Cadiz, Ohio. Died of a stroke on October 26, 1973. Lived a long, unhappy life but she schooled you in the Why's and Wherefore of the Christian Faith.
Dillard
Yeah. I remember her playing We'll Remember Always Refornation Day by Faith and the Justifications. You know, underneath the bathrobe, that dress looks like something Helga used to wear years ago.
Roe
Actually, she was wearing it today.
Dillard
No kidding? But Helga is not dead. Is she? She better not be!
Roe
She is supposed to be killed by a drunk driver five minutes ago about half a block from the church but Whiskey Boy made a wrong turn and ended up in the river. Merry Christmas! Guess we jumped the gun, but we can't control everything.
Dillard
I don't know how to thank you for saving my wife.
Roe
Don't thank me -- thank Death.
Dillard
What about the Head with the feathers and the boa? That supposed to be Janis Joplin? (To Janis) You chased away my producer.
Roe
That was Joey Mueller? I haven't seen him for years. He doesn't look so good.
Dillard
Must be something he ate on the plane..
Here's my theory about this death we fear so much. Death is stupid Don't tell Death I said that. Death is Dumb. Why do I say that? Because it doesn't discriminate. It takes everyone!. You ever notice that?
Roe
Stick around. Tomorrow is the birthday of a man who kicked Captain Jimmy Death in the old Pitooey.. He's quite famous. He is thousands of years old, but he only looks 33. This man did not die... On second thought, he did die. But he didn't stay dead. He did die, though.
Dillard
By being dead only three days, was he totally involved in the death experience? Three days makes him just a weekend warrior if you ask me. Just asking.
Roe
Dead is dead. Three days three zillion days! What difference does it make? No feelings or senses or thoughts... You are dead, deader than a door nail, deader than a June Bug in an Alabama gunfight. You're so dead the corpses feel sorry for you. You are veddy veddy dead.
Dillard
Then what happens?
Roe
You pop open alive again. Pop. There you are!
Dillard
Just like that?
Roe
Beats me. When you're dead, you are deader than the worse dead you could ever think of you.. you don't want me to go through that again, do you?
Dillard
So you pop open again?
Roe
Yes, it's a defintie popping sound..
Dillard
Who are you? Do you have a name?
Roe
Why would I need a NAME? Do you really think I require something as mundane as a name? I am aghast! Insulted!
Dillard
Sorry.
Roe
Now why did we visit you this Christmas Eve, Dillard? You have had a long, misrable life, you have lost most of a son, you're alienating your wife at a rapid clip. Do you have any money? (DILLARD shakes head) I didn't think so. To top it off, you ain't got no soul. Not a drop, not a dribble.
Dillard
If you're going to help me, give me some soul first, so I can finish my CD. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear sounds pretty thin. Mostly the keyboard parts I'm worried about... playing between the cracks...
Roe
We'll have that conversation later. First thing you do cut the kid loose.
Dillard
Cut him where will he go?
Roe
Up, I guess. Does he have any military experience? He may have to fight the Legions of Beezelbub near the Lake O'Fire Ski Resort but that's not too bad. Can he cook for seven billion?
Dillard
He's a shy, sensitive boy. A brooder.
Roe
A brooder? We can always use more brooders. If we don't have a program for him, we'll bring him back down here and let him out in the desert. But if you ever want to leave this house, Dillard, you got to let him go. You're letting him suck you dry.
Dillard
How am I going to do this?
Roe
Wait... Maybe you won't have to. Hold on... (Roe reveals lightning bug jar)
Dillard
What are you doing?
Roe
Look! (Points to speck) Davey made up his own mind. (Roe catches "Davey" on jar)
Dillard
You can't put him in that jar. There aren't any air holes. How's he going to breathe?
Roe
He's a spirit and a spirit is a breath..
(Pulls Goop from bathrobe pocket) For you a jar of Soul Cream. Formerly known as frankinsence, now called Celestial Goop. It comes in three strengths: Virgin White, Angel Blue and Midnight Clear, which I recommend for you. This Goop (Holds it up) being clear, brings extra oompa to all colors and creeds. With Midnight Clear, you can find the place where the old world crosses over into the new world, when Christmas Eve turns into Christmas Day.. Spread just a little bit on your face and hands. You won't sing or play any better than you do now, but you'll mean it more.
Dillard
Thank you. Tell me more about this Goop.
Roe
Say the first line of the lyric
Dillard
What lyric?
Roe
Of the song you were singing.
Dillard
(Sings) "It came upon a mid--"
Roe
Don't sing it say it!
Dillard
Oh. "It came upon a midnight clear." So what? Everybody knows it. Big deal.
Roe
Big deal? Midnight Clear is as important as Edison inventing the light bulb so the world could finally throw out all those stupid candles. It is responsible for adding an extra pair of chromosomes to human DNA, from 22 pairs to 23 .
Dilliard
Hold the phone! The Midnight Clear did not change DNA. No way! Are you nuts? The change in the world was spiritual, not physical. If you think we can better ourselves tinkering with DNA, you're insane.
Roe
(Overjoyed) Hallelujah! I was hoping you'd say that, my boy. My good sweet boy. Grandma taught you well. You may be the first man in your family to graduate to Archangel in less than 400 years.
Dillard
It's spiritual, not --
Roe
-- physical. You said that already. Such a cutie pie! That pitch I was selling you were correct. Total malarky. I was just testing you. And you PASSED!!
Dillard
What now?
Roe
So your newly-found healthy soul---
Dillard
Comes from knowledge of the Truth.
Roe
Right! You are so adorable! I wish I could hug you without blowing up the Northern Hemisphere. When you can see in a stranger what you see in yourself, that is your first taste of eternal life.
Dillard
Does a stranger mean my wife?
Roe
Has she been staring blankly into space lately? Has her displays of affection become stiff and wooden? Maybe she talks to herself a lot? Invents elaborate scenarios with herself in a heroic role? Maybe she stays in her house for weeks, months, years at a time.
Dillard
I don't know what she's doing.
Roe
Let me switch the focus of our tete-te. How have you and God been getting along lately?
Dillard
God? I don't see him much anymore..
Roe
Oh, please. He didn't abandon you so dramatic you people you just backed away. But God loves any old thing. Some creature you won't sit next to on the bus, he just loves to death. He loves the nun in Calcutta, the cop in Oregon, the cocktail pianist in Budapest. He's even beginning to warm up to lawyers and politicians. He won't force you to love him back, though. So he suffers from a great deal of unrequited love.
You can move away from the Lord and he will still take you back. Now you take the gift, give your son some peace and return to the living. Everybody's happy.
Dillard
Except my son lives in a pickle jar.
Roe
That is pretty rough. I'm sorry. Not for long, I promise.
Dillard
Okay. Maybe. Hey, Merry Christmas to you, too. You've been a big help.
Roe
That's why I'm here. Now I need to convince you to join your wife at that candlelight service.
Dillard.
No, no, no! I hate to let you down, but I can't do that... people waving those candles around. It is dangerous. I'm telling you. I almost set some girl on fire
Roe
Let me drop this on you when you are truly alive, you are always almost setting people on fire. Meditate on that as you walk to church. I'll give ya a crutch. Open the door of that table. Pull that thing out.
Dillard
What's this, a fake candle?
Roe
No. It's is not a fake candle, it's a battery operated candle.
Dillard
But everybody else has flaming candles --
Roe
Just take the-- candle. Please.
Dillard
Okay, okay, Don't get hostile!
Roe
Turn on the candle. At the top, see the little thing-a-bob?
(DILLARD turns on candle)
Dillard
Wow! I'm actually going out!
Roe
Dillard, what's the first line of the song you were singing?
Dillard
"It came upon a midnight clear."
Roe
It's 11:59. Better hurry. (ROE sings soulfully as Dillard exits with candle held aloft)
It came upon a midnight clear,
That glooooooo-rious song of old,
From angels bending near the earth,
To touch their harps of gold...
THE END